Women's Tank Top I Survived 2011

Women's Tank Top I Survived 2011

Finally a Decent Date or Was He?

It has been a rough 2 years. Since 2008 I broke up with a guy I really liked who was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis & decided he wanted to get as much out of life as long as possible so long term relationships were no longer his focus. Then I was one of the early casualties of the recession & lost my job. After waiting two months for my unemployment to get straightened out, I walked into a chair at home & broke my toe. Needless to say with all these pressing issues dating & socializing slipped way down on my priority list. Impending poverty tends to take the thrill out of spending another hour exchanging information with some stranger while sipping wine. So I had almost as few dates as I had interviews. As Carrie said on Sex & the City, “dates are like interviews with cocktails,” & I needed to reserve my stamina for job interviews not potential boyfriends. So I stayed home through Xmas, New Years, my birthday & all national holidays. But even the most disciplined find that there is a tipping point where you need to get out & interact with the opposite sex. So I set out to reboot my social life & slowly began to accept dinner invitations. In the last two months I’ve had 3 dates & one interview! Date number one showed up looking disheveled as if he had been under a car instead of an office all day long. We had a pleasant dinner before walking around the lower east side & ended up sitting on a bench in Tompkins Square Park. While sitting there he attempted to kiss me but I resisted & the date ended unceremoniously with a trip on the R train where he got off several stops before me & I made my way home alone. NEXT!

Date number two was more animated & we shared pizza & wine in Greenwich Village. Again the obligatory walk around town, which was more entertaining since he’s a tour bus guide. After learning little Trivial Pursuit worthy bits of New York history, he led me to a garden that I thought was private property. Seems I was right since a few moments after entering he grabbed my face & proceeded to kiss me before a security guard showed up & threw us out. I’m not sure which was worse being evicted from the garden or being kissed without wanting to be. At least this date ended in a cab in front of my home. Still no new interviews so I gave the dating game another try. Last week I agreed to go out with a guy who referred to himself as Big Jimmy. I’m always leery of people who refer to themselves in the third person, but I digress. The usually unreliable subway was late & so was I for the 5:30 reservation I made at an Italian restaurant. I found myself frantically rushing along the NYU buildings trying to find the location in the dark. Suddenly I heard someone call my name & turned to see a guy who looked better than I thought he would. I was relieved for a brief moment, then worried that I looked a mess in front of a rather attractive guy. We entered the restaurant & found it packed. We moved to the bar to wait for what seemed like an eternity before being seated. I was still in a tizzy worrying about how I looked but he reassured me I looked fine. After dinner we walked through the very crowded streets. While zigging & zagging through the crowd, he stopped, took my h&, & then kissed me. It was welcome this time but unexpected especially in the middle of the college crowd that congregates in the Village on the weekend. We walked around, did some window shopping, ran into a colleague of his & ended up at a bar where he could catch some football. Of course I sat sipping my Cosmo attempting to be chic & sophisticated.

Finally we got a cab & it became obvious he was hoping for an after dinner treat. When he reached my home, he got out instead of telling the cabbie to take him home. He tried every which way to get an invite but I resisted. I walked him over to the bus stop that would take him home. At that hour buses are almost non-existent so I offered to stay with him until one came. The entire time he made a concerted effort to convince me to let him stay over, which I continuously shot down. He made comments about the best ending would be waking up next to him, etc. but I didn’t flinch. I stood my ground & when he saw the bus finally approaching, he kissed me on the cheek & left. Now I’m a big girl so I won’t sue a guy for making a pass, especially if I do find him attractive, so I wasn’t particularly upset. I called a friend when I got upstairs to give him the low down & my finally assessment was that it was a fun date. He mentioned wanting to go out again & how he wanted to introduce me to Indian food. He even sent a text saying he had a good time. The next morning we started texting while watching the NYC marathon & I sent a text asking if he was upset that I wouldn’t let him sleep over. He said no in spite of being touchy feely he was fine with my decision. I couldn’t leave well enough alone so I asked when the last time he had sex was & he didn’t respond. Hours later I resent the message & I am still waiting for an answer. Now a week later I am beginning to reassess the outcome of our date. He’s 49 and never married & I’m beginning to think he’s a player. Since things didn’t work out the way he hoped, planned or whatever that may well have been our one & only good date.

Can You Go Home Again?

I am still licking my wounds over a doomed relationship with a NY cop who was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. I decided that it’s a situation that won’t change & my option was to stay home & feel miserable or force myself back out there ONE more time to see if a happy ending is still possible. It seemed the best thing was to pick the second option but approach it slowly with caution. Instead of starting from scratch with a brand new guy, I decided to go out with a guy that I met back in 2001. We had a pleasant lunch & was surprised to find out that we went to the same high school, but we had some falling out briefly after that & broke off all communications. He has tried to apologize for several years & after resisting I finally felt I should re-consider, especially since I couldn’t remember the details of the argument. I emailed him & we talked briefly, where he told me how happy he was that I changed my mind. He said he probably said something stupid but couldn’t remember what it was. No, I didn’t admit that I didn’t know what it was about either!

We made arrangements to meet at a nice French bistro on the east side of Manhattan after work on Friday. I arrived first & stood in front of the restaurant scoping out every man that came from the west side. Truth be told I didn’t remember what he looked like since we only met once. Finally someone came rushing up the street with a big smile & I assumed he was the one…..or was he? I quickly looked around after he waved to see if that was meant for someone else. When I noticed I was alone, I smiled, walked towards him & embraced as we met. We entered & went through the usual “date” meeting ritual of exchanging personal stories, catching up on the past 8 years. The restaurant was lovely & it was definitely worth the trouble of getting dressed up, but I had a sinking feeling in the back of my mind. As I excused myself to go to the restroom & text a friend, updating him on the evening so far, I knew what I knew 8 years earlier. He was a nice guy, great catch for many NY women (lawyer & professor), but the “X” factor was missing. I didn’t feel any special spark, no chemistry or heart flutters. It was nice to go out for a “no fuss, no muss” evening especially after all the drama with the cop, but nothing had really changed since our last meeting.

We were older, hopefully a bit wiser, his then teenage daughter had now graduated college, was out on her own & he was looking for a relationship, but I knew that if I was honest, it probably wouldn’t be with me. We left the restaurant after THREE hours. The conversation was good, which I like, & we walked down the street towards the subway. I was conscious about not letting his hand brush mine because I didn’t want any body contact, even in the most innocent way. It was a beautiful summer night & as I reached my station, we hugged (not tightly) & I raced down the steps. I truly had a nice time but I was ready to go home. When I got home, I called my earlier texted friend & recounted the details of the evening. I told him the same thing that is bothering me now. Many of my female friends complain about men not wanted to commit, or being irresponsible husbands and/or fathers. He is none of those things, plus we share a common history & mutual friends. He is serious about his work, well liked by his students & feels passionate about certain things I care about, BUT & it’s a big but, I don’t feel anything other than friendship for him. When does it make sense to put away all the fantasies about the “last great love,” especially when one is in their late 40s & you feel the hot breath of 20 & 30somethings on your neck, & just become more practical about your options? Is it really so bad to settle for being with someone who is kind, funny, financially stable & available but doesn’t make you hot?

Logic vs. Emotion

Most people, who know me, know that I am extremely analytical and logical. I approach most things this way and while it serves me well in a professional setting, it is not always helpful in personal areas. Last summer I met a cop on an internet site. I had never dated a cop and had certain feelings about it, but he seemed attractive so I agreed to meet. As fate would have it, we went to the same high school and were in the same class, although he transferred before completing his senior year. Much to my horror, there was a part of me that was intrigued by his “macho” job and his desire to protect me. I’ve been on my own for most of my adult life and have gotten used to taking care of myself. Since I’ve never married, I don’t think in terms of having some man coming to my rescue. I also tend to maintain a certain distance before feeling comfortable enough to let my guard down. After our first date I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go out again, but he had a goofy sincerity that managed to get to me. We started dating but I still didn’t consider us an item, even after he formally asked for the title of “boyfriend.” I chose not to analyze the situation and just let it play itself out and then the crash came. He was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis & in a new york minute everything changed. He was, rightly so, thrown by the diagnosis and said he needed time to digest the news. I tried to comply but in retrospect, I think he needed some serious quality alone time. The next time we went out, I could feel the tension. He was no longer the open, fun guy he had been weeks earlier. He seemed to shut down & when the situation worsened, I ended the relationship. I think he may have been relieved since he said that he felt anxious about his job, illness and me. After months of little or no communication, I finally emailed him since his 50th birthday was approaching. I was surprised his response was inviting & he wanted to see me. In fact, he said he didn't know why I thought he wouldn't want to see me. I wasn’t sure what to expect after so many months, but I felt that either way I could get some answers and closure.

We met for a late lunch and he caught me off guard. I was glad not only to see him, but to see that he looked better than the last time I saw him. We hugged, went inside and began talking. Unfortunately we didn’t talk about the things I really wanted to talk about & when I broached the subject of the past, he said can’t we just move on from that. Not wanting to make him uncomfortable, I agreed. The rest of the evening played out fine but I had the nagging need to clarify some things. I never got the chance as he told me that he would be working a lot of overtime since he is retiring next year. In spite of that fact, he gave every indication that he wanted to be intimate, which was not on my agenda. Eventually I went in and he drove off, but ever since he’s been busy and hard to reach. He answers certain messages as long as I don’t ask any serious questions. At this point I don’t know what to think. Some friends have told me that he has to put in all the overtime now to fatten his pension since he may not be able to work after retirement. I get that, but I also have this sinking feeling that he or we can never be what we were starting to become before his diagnosis. He said if he could spend more time with me he would, but what could he do under the circumstances. I wonder if all of this has done irreparable damage and I should wish him well and move on. That’s the logical side of me, the emotional side likes him a lot and I can’t seem to get excited about anyone else or the prospect of re-entering the brutally competitive dating game as I get closer to 50! What to do, it is a puzzlement?

Random Encounters

I always wondered how to handle random encounters. There have been plenty of times where I see a handsome guy on the train or walking down the street and I think "oh my"...but in the hustle and bustle of NYC life I never really capitalize on the opportunity.

I mean...what guidelines do you follow? In an age where men appreciate independent women, yet overly aggressive women are avoided like the plague...how do you walk the fine line of flirting and modesty? Should there be a fine line?

And then of course there is the awkwardness of trying to pick someone up with an audience. Having the entire train car watch you speed date in between train stops can be extremely intimidating...so fellow NY daters...how do you do it? suggestions? experiences? as always...I'm curious...

What Should I Believe??

Towards the end of last week, an interesting event took place. I received an email from a doctor I know in Boston. We met a couple of years ago on the internet and although I don’t usually respond to men from out of town, he was persistent and we exchanged emails. As fate would have it, he came down to the city to visit a friend and I agreed to meet him for dinner. It was a pleasant enough time, the city was deserted with everyone out of town on vacation and the restaurant was quite nice. I must add I met him knowing that it probably wouldn’t go anywhere and when we met, I knew the physical attraction wasn’t there for me. He made some not too subtle passes which I managed to blow off and that was it. We communicated from time to time after that and then he emailed to say he was coming down to the city on Christmas Eve. I met him for brunch, which was nice and although I wanted to leave early to prepare for the holidays, he insisted we check out a few places in the city. I agreed and again rebuffed his advances. Earlier this year, I woke up with a swollen finger and after some research determined that it might be an infection. I emailed the doctor and he immediately told me what to do and prescribed some antibiotics. He was very helpful and supportive even though he was out of town and unable to examine my finger. We still exchange emails from time to time, but again I knew it couldn’t go anywhere and he wasn’t really bothering me.

Then I rec'd the infamous email! He did a mass emailing to let everyone know that he had been maligned on a website “Don’t Date Him Girl.” I knew of the site and had read some earlier postings for amusement. Well the doctor seems to have scorned a woman who wasn’t going to take it. She posted some very negative comments about him and although I can’t tell which are true, there were items that clarified some things about him. She claimed that he had a girlfriend, but when she was away he wined and dined women hoping for sexual encounters. She said he had postings on sites like Wealthymen, American Singles, Matchmaker, etc. She said he trolled malls looking for young vulnerable women & that when you wanted to get closer, emotionally speaking, he pulled away and would finally inform you that he already had a girlfriend. There were also additional postings from women claiming he had done the same thing to them. They said he lied about his age, claiming to be 47 when he was more like 55 & that he had a STD. The doctor found out about the posting & wrote a rebuttal of the charges. He said he was unaware that this woman wanted a deeper relationship, that he had chlamydia 15 years ago, but it was successfully treated. He also said he wasn’t a monster & hadn’t abused any women. Basically the email he sent out was to clear his name. The thing for me is we never had a deep relationship & I wasn’t interested in one. Even with the passes he made, I had a decent time with him, he did wine & dine me and was extremely helpful when I needed medical attention & didn’t have health insurance. There are some things posted on that site that rings true for me as well and now I’m not sure how to view or react towards him. I don’t know if I should sever all ties or continue our sporadic long distance communications, with the knowledge that I probably won’t spend time with him again. Should I let another person’s experience influence our “situation” or should I continue emailing while keeping him at arm’s length?

Why Am I the Catalyst For Men Returning to Former Girlfriends?

I just spoke to a guy I dated briefly last year. I knew that I didn’t see long term possibilities and I told him that but almost immediately he returned to his ex-fiancée. He specifically said he was over her and it was a done deal. I haven’t spoken to him in a while so I thought it was a good opportunity to say hi. Well surprise surprise, he tells me that he had good news. I didn’t even need him to finish. I blurted out, “So you’re getting married.” He paused and said yes. He said it wasn’t that he didn’t have a good time with me but he just realized how much he was still in love with this woman. I guess it would bother me more if I couldn’t get another date, but it does make one think since this is not the first time this has happened.

I met a guy several years ago and he called me to say that although he thought I was really sexy, he decided to try again with his ex. I dated a lawyer back in the 90s who was divorced and we had drifted apart over time, but when I realized I missed him and called, he told me that he was trying to get back with his ex-wife, whom he had divorced a few years before we met.

I met a good looking guy a while back and I couldn’t tell if he was interested or not. I admit that I rely too much on email, and he sent several emails asking me to call, but everyone is busy and I figured a quick text message would be good enough. Well I was wrong, because by the time I called a couple of weeks after we met, he told me that he met this woman who was in grad school and he liked her a lot. Then there was a ray of hope when I saw his profile online and emailed him. He said that the woman he met was too busy for a fulltime relationship so he was free again. I finally found some time to meet him for lunch and then got busy and next thing I know, he emailed me to say he was leaving the city for the suburbs, moving in with this woman whom he recently met and who made him very happy and was the love of his life.

This problem goes back to the 90s when I called a man who responded to a profile in a local newspaper. I was caught up in work related things when I finally found some time to call. We had a pleasant conversation where he told me he had been in the National Guard. He was now pursuing medical school after working as a nutritionist. I didn’t feel that I needed to make a date the next day but I figured I would get back to him. Well by the time I did, he told me that he met a bank teller and they were engaged. What! How?

I’m beginning to think that I should start a business. If you want your ex back, just let him plan a date with me & I assure you, he’ll come running back to you. Of course, this does nothing for my anemic love life.

Is There Hope for My Libido?

This is probably “TMI” but it’s been a long dry spell as far as intimacy goes. The sad thing is that I’ve gotten used to it and the lack of it has become quite normal. On an intellectual level I was quite concerned that I should hold a wake for my libido. I feared that under no circumstances would I ever feel that awakening brought on by some good old fashioned healthy lust. Part of the problem could be attributed to the fact that I haven’t met any men lately who’ve rocked my world. Not to put any of them down, they have been nice, decent even employed, but I felt nothing, nada, zippo! I began to worry. Yesterday I agreed to meet a slightly younger man for some coffee. For the first time in a long time, I found myself feeling a bit anxious about the meeting. When he showed up, surprisingly he looked just like his photo. It hadn’t been through an intense photoshop session nor was it taken shortly after his college graduation.

We had a relaxed, casual meeting with some good conversation. I felt the tension leaving my body and when he asked me for a “regular” date, I didn’t hedge. As I left Starbucks I found myself practically skipping down the street. I felt the stirrings of a physical response and attraction. I got on the bus to head home and I was calm, cool and collected. I put my type A New York personality on the back burner and enjoyed taking in the street scenes. When I arrived home, I couldn’t keep myself from smiling & feeling so giggly and girly. I even began to have “impure” thoughts much to my delight. I considered emailing him to say how delightful my time with him had been, but for some reason I hesitated. It turned out fine since I found an email from him this morning saying the same thing.

Now here is my concern, am I feeling something because I am so aware that I haven’t felt anything in a long time, or am I truly interested in this guy? Also, if I do meet him again, how do I maintain my perspective and not overreact or read too much into the situation? I want to remain objective and accept the meeting for whatever it turns out to be, but now that I am feeling frisky I can no longer trust my judgment. I don’t want to jump into something for the wrong reasons but right now I’m on this high and can’t tell if the reasons are right.

The Second Time Around

Back in 2004 I met a man on the internet and we started dating. He seemed nice, although it wasn’t easy getting to know him. We went out for nice dinners, he knew the best places to eat in Manhattan. He was successful on Wall Street, good looking, gregarious and generous. What’s wrong with this picture? If he seems too good to be true, he probably is and time proved that there were major flaws in the perfect facade. I found him to be non-communicative about the most benign subjects. I asked what his favorite color was and he told me he would get back to me with the answer. He told me on several occasions that he was a private person, but asking about a favorite color didn’t seem like a particularly intrusive question. To add insult to injury, I questioned his sexuality since he never made any advances and that seemed strange when we were seeing each other on a regular basis. So I began to retreat, felt resentful and started to believe he was either gay or bisexual. He denied it, but in time the “relationship” ended. We exchanged a few emails in the years that followed and I was glad that we found a way to remain civil towards one and other.

After changing jobs I decided to share my good fortune with the ex. Maybe I shouldn’t have been, but I was surprised that he was so happy for me. In fact we agreed to meet and catch up. If nothing more, I figured this would be an informative session since he wrote that he moved to Chelsea and left finance for fashion. The changes in his life seemed to validate my suspicions about his sexuality. A few days before we were supposed to meet, he sent an email saying that an out of town friend was visiting and asked to postpone. I didn’t completely believe him and even though I felt like he was blowing me off, I said it was ok. After the weekend I planned to email him about re-scheduling, but got sidetracked. I was happily surprised when I found an email from him suggesting we get together for a drink.

I entered a dark establishment & didn’t immediately see him. As I was getting ready to call him, I heard my name called out. I saw a man sitting towards the back of the bar. I walked over and quickly embraced him. It felt warm, he looked good, a little older, grayer and heavier but good. After ordering a chardonnay we launched into a conversation about work & for the first time in a long time, I was relaxed & comfortable. It was meeting up with an old friend & I was really enjoying myself. It was as if no time had lapsed since we last saw each other. After about an hour, we moved on to dinner at another local place & he told me about his new business venture. He was excited about the change and it was infectious. I was happy for him because he seemed happier with himself. After skipping dessert we went back his new sublet. Maybe it was because we dated before we were both more relaxed than we would have been on a real “first” date. But this is also where it gets complicated & confusing. While we were alone together, he made it clear that he was interested in a physical encounter, but not as a one night stand. He explained his past reluctance came from his assessment that I was the kind of person who didn’t engage in casual encounters & he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship at that time. He had experienced a personal loss, was unhappy at work, and went through a third knee surgery in less than two years and he wasn’t ready nor did he have the mindset to commit to anyone. I have to admit that this all sounded very logical & I wondered if I had been too quick to judge him three years earlier. He was new & improved. A man who was never demonstrative suddenly held my hand in public & made some obvious overtures. Before placing me in a cab, he kissed me and said he would give me a call.

My dilemma is wondering if this is his real personality and if it is, was this night an aberration or is there a possibility for renewing our relationship but avoiding the obstacles and pitfalls that derailed it the last time?

Interracial dating in an Obama era

So I recently started seeing this Irish guy I met on the line at Santos Party House. Really cool, we have a lot in common and I enjoy his company. Of course when we walk together it always feels like we have a third wheel on our dates; the eyes of nearby New Yorkers wondering how or why the two of us are together.

In an Obama era and a progressive city like New York, can the taboo on interracial dating be removed or even diminished? I consider myself open minded and am an equal opportunity dater but am usually looked at strangely when I approach men of alternate ethnicity.

Shouldn't romantic interests transcend racial boundaries? and if so, can it exist with pure interests? in other words, do people date interracially simply to see what it would be like?

Curious, skeptical, and hoping for some feedback...

Wasn't He Way Out of Line?

On Saturday night I met my next date. We had an enjoyable dinner and conversation in the Village. He wanted to find a bar to continue and we ended up at the Grand Hyatt in midtown. While sipping my Cosmopolitan we discussed our childhoods and exchanged stories from our combined life experiences of almost 100 years. It was pleasant and at least we spent the evening alone, but when it was time for the date to end, he said that he didn’t want me to go alone on the subway. I told him I could take a cab, he asked how much it would cost and I told him. Since we were near Grand Central it was easy to grab a cab. My surprise came when he jumped in the cab with me. I found that rather strange and quite unsettling. Since he lives in Jersey I didn’t know why he decided to tag along on my ride home. I tried to broach the subject gently because I didn’t want to offend him after he spent his money to entertain me all night. He said that he wanted to make sure I got home safely, but wasn’t that the reason I was taking a cab instead of the subway?

I squirmed in my seat as he put his arm around me and rubbed my back. Once we arrived in front of my building, he got out and I assumed that was to let me out before he made a return trip to Manhattan, but NO! He stood there on the empty sidewalk with every intention of coming upstairs with me. I don’t remember asking him to follow me home. I felt a combination of guilt that he paid for the trip to Queens and anger that he assumed this was okay to come home with me without discussing it.

One thing I did know was that under no circumstance was he coming upstairs with me. I gently explained the situation and my discomfort was obvious. He said it was all right & he would get a cab back to Manhattan. I then informed him that yellow cabs are not plentiful in the outer boroughs and that’s why there are so many livery cabs. He said if he couldn’t get a cab he would hope that I had a couch for him to crash. Again that was not part of the game plan and if we had to stand out there all night, I was not inviting him to stay over when that was NEVER discussed. We went back and forth for several minutes before he assured me he would be fine and would return to Manhattan to get the train to Jersey. I watched him walk out of my sight before racing upstairs. When I got inside, I checked my cell to find a message from him saying that he got a livery who would take him to the city. I was relieved and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Now was it me again or was it presumptuous on his part to assume he could stay over when he was never invited?

More Than I Bargained For?

I’ve been preoccupied for the last few months looking for a new job. Since I had put my social life on the back burner, I decided that it was time to remove myself from storage and enjoy life. I met a guy on Thursday night date at a wine bar in Manhattan. Almost as soon as I arrived he informed me that he had invited a friend/business associate along with his girlfriend. He hoped I wouldn’t mind. What was I to say since the die had been cast. Grudgingly I said that it was fine. The other couple arrived and proceeded to chat up a storm. The conversation was laced with jokes of sexual innuendo. A little of that goes a long way especially with total strangers! To my surprise, my date invited them to stay for dinner. His friend had the insight to say it would be ok for them to go some other place if I was uncomfortable. Again I felt that I couldn’t say what I really felt so they stayed for more wine, food and more racy humor.

When we finished dinner they suggested we hit another restaurant but I was spent and had to get up early. FINALLY my date showed some sensitivity to my needs and said that he didn’t want me to do anything I really didn’t want to do, so if I wanted him to drive me home he would do so. We left without informing his friends that we weren’t going to be following them to the next hot spot. I was happy to reach home and wondered was it just me or was it rude for my “date” to turn our first meeting into a double date?

Fantasy Date Becomes Nightmare

A guy I met online had been emailing me for a while before we agreed to meet for a lovely dinner. I was supposed to meet him in the lobby of the Hilton, which I couldn’t find. I called him & asked where this place is. Turns out I was a half block away. I got there and asked the people if I could use the house phone to call him. They called & asked for his room which I told them I didn’t have. I gave them his name & she told me that he was on his way down to the lobby. Turns out the lobby was one flight up which they didn’t tell me so I was standing there waiting and waiting and waiting. She called again & realized he was in the real lobby not the ground floor. I went up & was looking around the lobby to find someone who looked like the picture he sent. This short guy with white hair came over & asked if I was the one he was supposed to meet. I said yes, almost fainting because he looked 20 years older than the photo he sent. We sat on the sofa & I found myself moving away from him because I didn’t want anyone to think I was with this short old man. We left, got a cab & he started to complain to the cabbie about a previous passenger who smoked. Then he asked him if people were allowed to smoke in his cab. The cross-town traffic was awful, but we finally got to the restaurant which was lovely & sat right on the east river. As it got dark you could see all the lights of the city.

He ordered a cocktail, I had a glass of chardonnay, we had appetizers before he ordered lobster & I had filet mignon. The meal was good & we engaged in some conversation. For my part I was being polite & he told me why he was unhappy. I found him to be a bit inflexible, he likes things his way & doesn’t seem to compromise much; completely different than the way he came off in his emails, another deception. The waiter was nice & when he initially took our orders he was talkative & friendly. I knew I was full from dinner but really wanted to sample the desserts, so he ordered coffee and I an apple tart with caramelized sauce & ice cream. I am lactose intolerant so I don’t digest dairy products. We continued talking & he was very complimentary, telling me I had great legs, fantastic figure, dancing eyes, etc. Out of the blue I felt a pang & told him I needed to find the ladies room. We both left the table. I got to the bathroom & found myself sick for some time. He stuck his head in and called my name because he didn’t know if I was still in the bathroom. I finally came out & told him that I had forgotten my lactaid pills.

We returned to our table & I felt sick again. I was in the bathroom for some time & when I came out he asked if I wanted to go to the crow's nest which is the outdoor deck overlooking the city. We went up there & I started feeling a bit better. The waiter came up & said we hadn’t paid the bill. They didn’t know what happened to us since we just disappeared from the table. My date flew into a rage, berating the waiter & told him he didn’t like being called a crook. He said I was sick and the waiter should have asked if anything was wrong before making accusations. I was embarrassed, humiliated & started to feel sick again. He gave the waiter his Amex card and I went back into the bathroom. When I came out the maitre'd was approaching, asking if there was a problem. My date told him that the waiter was rude, insulting, etc. and the maitre'd said he would reprimand him, which I thought was wrong since he hadn’t done anything wrong. The service was fine it’s just the weird situation that happened after I got sick. He told the maitre'd not to reprimand him he'd take care of it. A while later a different waiter came upstairs with the Amex card & receipt, asking if he wanted to add a gratuity. He forcibly said no! I felt about 2 ft. tall at this point. The waiter asked again & he repeated NO. I said I felt better & wanted to go home, for many reasons not just because I was sick. I said I would have to take a cab & he offered to pay for it, which I wasn’t necessary, but he got a cab, kissed me on the cheek and sent me home. I was never sooooo happy to get out of a place. Late last night I emailed the restaurant and asked them not to take any actions against the waiter because he didn’t do anything wrong. It was a misunderstanding, miscommunication and overreaction.

Getting Stood Up

Last week, I met someone online and after a few emails we agreed to meet Sunday, yesterday, at 2pm, for a walk in the park. In his emails, he mentioned that he volunteers for charitable organizations several times a week, so I thought he must be a pretty nice guy. About 2 hours before the date, we exchanged text messages about the exact location. I put on make-up, contact lenses, some nice clothes, and showed up on time. He wasn't there. I sent him a couple text messages, then called. Calls went straight to voicemail. I left after 35 minutes and went to the park by myself. Several hours later, I get a text message from him, with the words: "I didn't think you were coming".

Today, I am still speechless.

Does He Likes Me or Is He Just Being Polite?

Yesterday I worked up the tolerance to endure another lunch date with a guy I met online. I visited this site where I have a profile listed and noticed I hadn’t checked my inbox for some time since there were about 100 responses dating back six months. So I painstakingly took the time to read through all the messages and check their profiles. There were some worth pursuing so I contacted those men. Most responded that they were still interested. One seemed a little more persistent than the others and I decided to make an effort to meet him first. As usual we ran into the logistical nightmare of coordinating our overly scheduled lives but finally decided to meet for lunch this week in a quiet restaurant in midtown Manhattan. He was on time, and surprisingly so was I! The first thing he did was present me with a rose. I didn’t expect the rose and it was a nice touch. I had picked the restaurant because I love Italian food and I knew it wouldn’t be the typical crowded midtown place, allowing us some privacy to feel less self conscious. He seemed nice and the conversation started off slow but steady. Almost immediately we were interrupted by his cell phone. He apologized and took the call before excusing himself for the men’s room. I took the opportunity to do a little last minute primping so I would look all fresh and natural as if I hadn’t done a thing. He returned and the conversation continued. For some reason and I was fully aware of it at the time, I was talking non-stop, not giving him a chance to speak unless he aggressively cut into my rambling. I don’t know why this was but the only reasonable explanation had to be that I was nervous. Funny thing is I didn’t feel nervous. I didn’t have high expectations for the date and he wasn’t really my type physically speaking, but somewhere in my sub-conscious this must have meant more than I even realized. After all he was in his 40s, divorced with grown kids, and had an apartment, car, job and a pulse. I must be getting desperate!

As lunch arrived, we continued to talk……sorry……. I continued to dominate the conversation and he spoke whenever I took a breath. His phone rang several times and he spilled his sparkling water all over the table. Maybe he was nervous too! I declined dessert for once in my life and we went to the coat check. He insisted on helping me with my coat although I told him I was handling it. We walked outside and he asked me where I was going. I got the impression he wanted to spend some additional time together. When he found out that I was also headed downtown on the bus as he was, we walked to the bus stop and continued talking….nothing heavy just regular chit chat. The bus arrived, I sat down while he stood. After two stops he sat next to me and we talked about his kids and my family. Finally he reached his destination, he got up, shook my hand and said we will communicate. Yes those were his exact words……it felt like the conclusion of a business meeting.

Am I reading too much into this? Was that appropriate for a quick afternoon meeting, was he just being polite as he was blowing me off? Of course I have been driving myself nuts trying to figure it out, so I sent a non-threatening email thanking him for the rose. He wrote back and said, “You’re very welcome.” Now what does this mean? Should I come right out and be more direct to find out what he thought of me or should I back off and give it some time to see if he follows up? Or is the simple truth that he’s just not that into me?

Is it True You Can Never Go Home Again?

About 15 years ago I finally ended a long disastrous relationship. I took a year’s sabbatical from dating mainly because I knew I was “damaged goods” and didn’t want to inflict my negative feelings on some unsuspecting guy. Needless to say, those first few dates were uncomfortable and awkward. I was in my early 30s and felt like I was over the hill as far as dating was concerned, so I decided, without much faith, to give personal ads a shot. To my surprise there were many responses and this was pre-internet so all they had to go on was a written profile and a voice message. No uploaded digital photos or email. Anyone who expressed interest had to record a message, and I have to say I liked that method better. The guy had to think about what he would say and the way he spoke in addition to what he said had a major impact on whether I wanted to take this to the next level and engage in a personal dialogue. In the evening when I got home from work, I would listen to each message and write down the information and decide which ones I wanted to talk to. I would call those men back. I placed a great deal of emphasis on one on one conversations. It gave me a chance to see how articulate the person was, if he had anything interesting to say and I could see if meeting him had the potential to be a stimulating experience or an hour of pure torture.

I finally spoke to a lawyer and he seemed like a nice person but didn’t have much to say. For some reason, I thought he still had some potential and called him again. As we continued speaking he began to open up and we made a date to meet. This was about a month after our first conversation (yes things moved slower back then). Anyway we did meet and continued seeing each other every weekend. He would work at his law firm Saturday morning and we would hook up in the afternoon. As time went by, I started to question the relationship. My previous relationship had sooooo much drama and this one had none. We never argued, he didn’t lie, cheat, called when he said he would and yet I was still not satisfied. He did everything I wanted my ex to do so why was I questioning his legitimacy? I posed these questions to all my friends and they said I was being overly analytical and looking for problems where there were none. But I couldn’t help it. I was fearful that the other shoe was going to drop and by then it would be too late. I couldn’t risk getting burned again so I held back, never fully giving into him, showing great emotional restraint as an act of self preservation.

Being the type of guy he was, he never addressed the issue directly although I was taken aback when he once said that he felt he took me more seriously than I did him. That may have been a warning sign but I didn’t alter my behavior, I had to protect myself from further pain. As it had been during the course of our relationship, we never argued but eventually drifted apart, spending less time together and the calls came with less regularity before stopping all together. I began to realize what I was losing and made one last desperate attempt to salvage the relationship by sending him a letter at work asking if we could see each other again. We met for dinner and then returned to his apartment in lower Manhattan, but something was off. It felt strange and strained. I knew, but I wanted to pretend otherwise, that we were done and we didn’t see or speak to each other again. That was more than 10 years ago.

Admittedly, when you are going through difficult times you sometimes have a tendency to look back at other situations and see it through rose colored glasses. Dating has been a roller coaster over the last decade, but that is not the reason I began to re-visit that relationship, at least in my mind. Being older and wiser, I now see that I planted the seeds of destruction and if I was looking for a problem I made damn sure that I was right by creating one. I do believe that “nice guys” are under-rated and not appreciated for what they have to offer. This guy was the antithesis of my ex and offered everything I wanted with the ex, stability, kindness, honesty yet I still was unhappy. Losing him may have been the fatal blow to my finding a long term healthy relationship with a decent guy. I don’t think men like him come around that often and maybe it’s only once in a lifetime. I hope not but I just don’t know. I have begun to think of him more often lately and I wonder what’s going on with him. I know professionally he is thriving, having attained the partnership he worked so hard for, but has he changed as a man? I know I’ve changed but is he still as nice now as he was back then? Is he still single or did some woman smarter than I am realize that he was a rare gem and snap him up? And maybe more importantly, the thing that has been haunting me recently, should I consider contacting him and seeing if there is anything left or even a tiny flicker than can be reignited?

IT’S NOT ABOUT NEED IT’S ABOUT WANT

As someone who spent their formative years in the midst of the second wave of feminism, I bought it hook line & sinker. I could have it all! I could be a lawyer and a wife & mother. I knew that I had to work at becoming a lawyer, but I never knew I had to put some energy into finding and sustaining a lasting relationship. Somehow in my youthful naivety, I thought it would just happen, after all that’s what people do, they grow up, get married and have kids. Why would I be any different especially since my parents had been married for 44 years, my grandparents for 58 and my great uncle for 65. They lived by the words “till death do us part.”

Due to many extenuating circumstances, I didn’t go to law school, which I still regret, but I was sure somehow someday I would get married. I believed then as I do now, that I was too young to marry in my 20s, so I dated men, mainly one, because I never wanted to come across as needing a man. Why would I? I was educated, competent and perfectly capable of taking care of myself. A man provides companionship, friendship and hopefully passion so it would be nice to have one around but I didn’t NEED him. I describe my 20s as my mentally ill period because I stayed in a dead end, emotionally draining and emotionally abusive relationship for more than 7 years, even when it was blatantly obvious in year 2 that it was doomed to fail. Try as I might I couldn’t change him or save a relationship that should have died a natural death years earlier. I didn’t heed warnings from friends, family or therapists. When it finally ran out of steam and I came to my senses, I was in my 30s and realized that I didn’t know how to date or have a substantive relationship. I had to start from scratch and now I was carrying not only baggage but a steamer trunk of bitterness and cynicism.

I did have some relationships that lasted longer than dinner but I was not in a place that allowed even decent guys to make any inroads. Suddenly I looked at the calendar and my 45th birthday was breathing down my neck. It feels like a minute since I was 25 trotting around in downtown Manhattan in my trendy wear. I see the men who used to be around paying mortgages and driving their kids to school in minivans. What happened? More importantly, I have to be brutally honest and admit that I screwed up royally. I squandered time and opportunities that probably won’t come around again and I hate myself for having to say that I miss not having a man in my life. I can still get a date, but there isn’t anyone who really cares what goes in my life. This fact came home in a painful way when I hosted a special event for an organization I was working for several years ago. It was my first experience handling this type of thing and I obsessed over every detail, but it came off without a hitch and I have to say I was quite pleased with my performance. As I left the building I decided to treat myself to a cab ride instead of taking the subway. I deserved a treat but what I really wanted was to have someone waiting for me, to give me a hug and say you did a great job. Colleagues said those things, but it wasn’t the same. I got home and paced furiously across the floor trying to burn off some nervous energy. I had worked 24/7 for 6 weeks and while I was happy it was successful, there was no personal payoff. It seemed anti-climatic because there wasn’t someone special to share the moment. It was my "a-ha moment," I didn’t NEED a man. I did my job to the best of my ability but I WANTED one and that’s where I am at this point in my life. Marriage is fine, but it’s not a necessity for me since I am beyond planning a family, but there are those lousy days when it sure would be nice to come home and have someone give me a hug and say its ok, I’m here for you.

Why Didn’t He Call? I Mean Text? I Mean Email?

Over the years, as a perpetually single woman, I have encountered the single guy who asks for a phone number and never calls. Now when I was young and naïve, I pondered what I had done wrong. As I’ve grown older and wiser (and probably more cynical) I’ve come to realize that this is some strange male ritual that makes no sense to women. What do you gain by taking a number and then never using it? As time went by, I began to pull back and was reluctant to give out my phone number. It wasn’t so much the thought that he wouldn’t call, but some of these guys were NUTS and it was better to keep some distance between us.

Then we moved into the next phase….beepers. When I refused to randomly hand out my number, men started to give me their numbers. However, I began to recognize that some of the numbers they gave me were for beepers. At the time, the only men I knew who had beepers were doctors or drug dealers. I came to the conclusion, based on some personal experiences, that the only other men who passed out beeper numbers like Halloween candy were married. This was a great way for them to conduct their business without having their wives clued in or raising the suspicions of watchful administrative assistants in their offices. Upon receiving one of these numbers, I immediately consigned it to the trash.

Now we are in the tech age, where everyone has a cell phone and/or blackberry and is reachable 24/7. We can call, text or email. There is no escape (much to my chagrin) from people contacting you when and wherever. All this has its advantages, but it has also added a new twist to that same old tired male ritual. Instead of collecting women’s phone numbers and not calling, they can collect your email and not respond. Same game, new toys…..technology has just upped the stakes. It is especially prevalent on internet dating sites, where many men seem to prefer chatting to a “virtual woman” than encountering a real life flesh and blood one. Now what logical reason could some guy have for not contacting you when there are seemingly endless ways to do so? It is a question for the next generation to ponder. All I know is that it’s something else in the dating game that gives me one great big headache!

Former Friends and Lovers

I had an unusual date last night. Back in 2003, I met a guy who was a principal of an elementary school in New Jersey. From the outside it didn’t look like this would work but amazingly we had a great first date which consisted of dinner and conversation that lasted into the wee hours of the morning. From that point on, even though we never had the “exclusivity” talk, we continued seeing one and other on a weekly basis and things seemed to be going along fine and based on my dating history, better than fine. During that summer tragedy struck and I won’t go into the details, but let’s just say we had a breakup that contradicted all that had come before and we both vowed NEVER to see or speak to each other again under any circumstances. I went through my usual devastation for several weeks until a friend took me out to hear some music and I decided it was time to start living and alas dating again.

Earlier this year, I received a response to a profile I had on an internet dating site and it was from this guy. He just dove right in and seemed to have developed amnesia about his last words to me, Don’t ever call me again.” However, my memory was clear and I hadn’t forgotten or forgiven. We exchanged some emails and mine became angrier as they went along. I realized that even though I had moved on, had some other dysfunctional relationships in the interim, I was still harboring old feelings of hurt and resentment and the thought of his emailing me just reignited all those feelings I felt had been buried.

In spite of all this inner turmoil, for some inexplicable reason I suggested we go hear some jazz this weekend. He consented & I planned the whole evening. I began the usual process of deciding what to wear and since in no way did I consider this a date, I was going to go with the tried, true and comfortable. I was going to wear my favorite pair of Old Navy jeans and a sweater. I settled on my leather mini & halter top. Don’t ask. I was advised against this by a male friend who said it would give the wrong impression but I felt ready to handle the situation. I wasn’t out to seduce anyone, just to say, look what you gave up & point out the fact that there had been little depreciation in that time. Sometimes nerves start to plague me before first dates, but then again, this wasn’t a first date. Yet as I rode the bus into Manhattan I started feeling strange, wondering what would happen after seeing each other for the first time in several years. Would I regress and be drawn to him again, would I find a resurgence of anger, how would he react? I’m all about the questions, so my mind was busy on that long commute into the city. Traffic into Manhattan on a Saturday evening is unbearable and last night was no different. I was about 30 minutes late and as I approached the club I began to be concerned that I wouldn’t recognize him. Fate intervened and I saw a guy wearing glasses, holding up a cell phone. I had to assume, based on my past recollection of what he looked like, and the fact that I was late, that he was the guy. I bravely walked right up to him and we embraced in a hug that was both spontaneous and uncomfortable. I planned to arrive earlier so I could decide how to greet each other that first time. I didn’t read anything into the hug one way or the other and we entered the club, which was crowded and were seated at a long table with 3 other couples. We talked about ordering an appetizer or drink & tried to engage in conversation. But the thing that seemed so easy & natural years earlier was suddenly strained & uneasy. Was it because we both assumed it would be easy again, were we walking on egg shells not to regurgitate the past and what led to the split? It was something I had never experienced and he mentioned that it felt like something he couldn’t explain. I asked if “weird” was the feeling. He said that wasn’t really the word he was searching for, so I offered my own definition...surreal. He nodded and murmured “surreal.” I don’t know if he really agreed, but we continued doing our dance of being there as a former couple not sure of who we were now. He said that I hadn’t changed at all & since he recently turned 50, I told him that he didn’t look a day over 49 ½. I was grateful for the lights to be turned down and the music to begin so I didn’t have to figure out what was going on or what to say. During the show I felt his knee bumping mine and at first felt that was due to a crowded space and not enough leg room, but as he rubbed his leg against mine, I no longer believe it was accidental and it made me uncomfortable. I visibly shifted in my seat & moved so our legs wouldn’t touch.

After the show we walked down an incredibly crowded Broadway, full of mature couples taking in shows, tourists overwhelmed by the NY scene and 20-somethings lined up at trendy clubs. I felt like a fish out of water & was relieved when we reached our destination, a small out of the way Italian café on the west side. We planned to have a more substantive conversation over dinner. He asked me about relationships I had since we split and I indulged his curiosity, not as a courtesy but as a way of saying you may have left but I am fine and men are still interested. As a matter of fact, answering the questions opened up the floodgates and I spilled my guts about my recent dating history. In retrospect, I was probably telling more than I should have. I talked through most of dinner while he consumed his clams. He said he was starting to fade and that at 50 he didn’t have as much energy as he had when he was in his 20s and could stay up all night and still bounce back the next day. I shook my head, understanding that feeling all too well, but I was more relieved that it was signal to wind this evening down. We walked even further west to retrieve his car, passing all the little 20-something girls, showing off all their assets as they went out for their all nighters. I might add that he checked out each and every one of them. I told him he wasn’t off the hook and asked about his past relationships. He told me about his trying to get back with his ex, which he said didn’t work out romantically but they settled on staying friends. I vaguely remember grinding my teeth as he confirmed what troubled me years earlier. He then told me about a woman he met and really liked and although he didn’t feel that he had been overly pushy, she had a different impression and pulled back after feeling he was moving too quickly. Like myself, he had dated with nothing much to show for it, but more importantly I started to think clearly. Although I didn’t consciously entertain thoughts of getting back together, that long cross-town walk proved to be a reality check. No matter what had or hadn’t happened previously, we were totally different people who had moved on. More importantly, it allowed me to exorcise any demons that remained and all residual anger subsided once and for all.

The dance of discomfort continued on the ride back to Queens & I looked out the window wondering why this had all mattered so much to me in my previous life. I was glad to reach home & sat in the car thinking about the most gracious way to end the evening. I smiled politely, said I had a good time, thanked him for his company & prepared to get out of the car when he leaned over to kiss me. I couldn’t think of anything more inappropriate so I turned my cheek, he sat back, he leaned in again only to get the other cheek & before I could move back in my seat he caught me off guard, placing an off center kiss on the lips. When he put his arm around me, I recovered, shifted my head so he got the cheek & nothing more! At that point I knew I needed to get out. I just looked at him & said, Wow who would have thunk it?” I watched him drive away & I knew that this time he was out of my life for good and it was okay. Life goes on.

Social Meltdown in New York (Serial dating)

For a city where everyone, I mean everyone seems to be obsessed with dating, why are there still so many single people? Why have they not found each other yet?

According to Forbes, New York is the 8th best city in the US to live if you are single although they admit it is the most expensive, a fact I can vouch for. San Francisco is 2nd and Washington 5th but I’m guessing there are more singles in those places for differing reasons. Dallas being 3rd is an interesting proposition.

I’ve heard rumours about married people in New York but I have not met any. I’m pretty sure I have seen some.
Most of the single people I have met have mentioned married friends but they have not introduced me to them. In the 3 months I have been in New York, I have met just one recently married mother who came to a ladies meet up brunch to meet new friends. Perhaps they live in a parallel world and are never to meet.

In that time, none of the single ladies I have met have started dating someone that became their boyfriend. Not the crazy ones or the intelligent ones. And yet I have met quite a few men, dated the odd one or 2 and I’ve been seeing one for a few weeks.
It’s not that I have low standards, quite the opposite as I’m probably the only woman in New York not looking to settle into a relationship. I don’t see the need to date just for the sake of it but I just happened to have met people whom I enjoyed the company of.

One can only assume women in New York are looking for perfection. Not just to marry or have a long term relationship with but even just to say yes to a date. A single friend of mine put it down to the current ‘Me’ generation.

It seems to me that I can split New York ladies into two categories: Serial Daters and Non Daters.

Serial daters are desperate to find ‘the one’ but are they? If they were, would they not concentrate on one person at a time and give the relationship a chance to blossom?
I don’t think they know who ‘the one’ is. They don’t seem to have a wish list of what they want in a man, at least they don’t tell me but they sure come up with a lot of faults after 2-3 dates.
I’ve never heard one say they like someone but the feeling is not mutual, Un-requited love, or lust, must have happened to most of us at least once in a lifetime.

Don’t people have crushes any more?!

Mostly I find it strange when a New York woman professes her fondness for a man but continues to date other people. There are only 7 days in a week. Who has that kind of time?

If serial daters are not happy by themselves, then what have they got to offer someone else?
Are ‘desperate’ and ‘unhappy’ really qualities that will attract?
Who is going to tell them?

Non daters, on the other hand are tired of the dating scene which is especially of concern if they are under 30 when surely they should be out there having fun rather than thinking of settling down.
Some over 40 seem pretty keen to want to date and settle down but don’t seem to ever go on dates. With all these single men everywhere, how is that possible?

Furthermore, I’ve always thought that if a woman needs a man to make her happy, it means they are unhappy single. Why would anyone want an unhappy girlfriend who is so dependant on them for their happiness?

Surely men would prefer a little less dependence?

Some Reflections on Dating

I spend more time contemplating the pros and cons of dating than any middle aged woman should, but then again who knew I would STILL be dating at this age. I am not ashamed to admit that I am exhausted. The small talk, answering the same questions over & over….where were you born, do you have brother and sisters, etc? I complained about this ritual to a friend and he suggested printing a card with all the answers. The funny thing is I am not sure when dating went from this fun adventure of meeting new people to feeling like a job interview. I started dating late, age 19, but I had been dreaming about my first date practically since I could walk. I had an endless list of unfulfilled crushes throughout secondary school and I loved the whole idea of interacting with people and feeling anything could happen. I was never the bar type, teetotaler and all, so I have relied heavily on personals, then phone lines and now the internet. My first two post-college boyfriends were found in the Village Voice. The first lasted over a year and the second lasted more than 7 years. I must admit that the quantity of time didn’t equal quality, but that’s another story. When I broke up with the second guy I had just turned 30, been laid off from my editorial position and felt like I was starting from scratch. I had been in one relationship or another since I was 19 and suddenly I had to learn how to date. It wasn’t easy. The breakup had been filled with anger and I took myself off the market for one year to recover. When I re-emerged, I agreed to meet a guy for brunch on the upper east side of Manhattan. I was nervous and uncomfortable but I bit the bullet. I showed up looking all sporty in my bicycle shorts. I thought it was a compliment when he said that I looked good. Then he asked my age and I said 31. He paused and said, “Remember before 30 your body takes care of you and after 30 you need to take care of your body.” Was I just insulted? I wasn’t sure but I knew this was our first and last date. That comment was right up there with getting an honest response to the “Do I look fat” question. No woman wants to hear that crap!

There are times when I can go out with some frequency and there are other times when I need a break! I can’t go through the process of finding an outfit that is appropriate and still fits. Then there’s the actual preparation. Shaving the legs, curling the hair, applying makeup and even if you turn out pretty good, you just don’t feel that same enthusiasm you felt at 25. Whenever it begins to feel like a chore I know its time to walk away for a while. I have more male friends than female friends and those friendships usually work out better than my non-platonic relationships. Sometimes I question myself as to what I really want. I wonder when compromise becomes necessary. Are my standards too high? Are they unattainable and no matter whom I date it’s doomed to fail? Has cynicism blinded me to the possibilities? Would I even notice the right guy if he walked right up to me? Would I be skeptical of his motives? Is it unrealistic to have the same expectations I had at 25 or should I modify them as I did my hemlines?

I’ve discussed all these issues with my friends, both male and female. Alas, we all have opinions but no solid answers. I guess this is all on my mind today because I had a bit of a shock earlier today and my reaction was surprising even to me. I was checking my email on a dating site that has my profile posted. They had testimonials of people who allegedly met someone on the site. I usually ignore them, skeptical that these people really exist or could possibly be that happy. But today was different when I saw a man that I met more than a year ago. We met on a different site but I knew he had posted his profile on this particular site. He was smiling with those deep dimples that had attracted me in the first place and announced he had met a wonderful woman that he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I was dumbstruck. Now I know this is illogical and irrational since I haven’t seen him in more than a year, but just seeing him there, so happy with someone who wasn’t me, left a deep gash in my psyche as well as my ego. How does that happen? I’ve heard about people who are married and happy after meeting online but I NEVER believed it. Now I had to face several realities, not only does it happen, but it happened to someone I knew and it didn’t happen to me. One has to replay the brief coupling and wonder what went wrong, what was the flaw, what did she have that I didn’t have? The self doubt threw me off kilter for the remainder of the day. I guess the fact that I am writing about this indicates that I am still a little unsteady. Sometimes we are forced to look at ourselves and we don’t like what we see. Bottom line is he is happy and I am still out here, typing, meeting and hoping that I can write an even better testimonial someday.

Married Men Need Not Apply

I’ve had two general rules of dating that I have adhered to, one is no married men, and two is no out of town men. This past summer, I made an exception. I agreed to meet someone for dinner who was from upstate NY. We had chatted online and the conversation was nice. I am absolutely conversation deprived. Sometimes people are overly sensitive, or combative or demanding when they haven’t even met you. Our conversation was easy and since I told him how I felt and he was honest about his marital situation so I agreed to dinner. He sent a photo of a rather handsome man and we had one brief phone call before finalizing the plans to meet for dinner.

First of all I was supposed to meet him in the lobby of the Hilton, which I couldn’t find. I called him and asked where this place is. Turns out I was a half block away. I arrived & asked if I could use the house phone to call him. They called and asked for his room which I told them I didn’t have. I gave them his name and she told me that he was on his way down to the lobby. Turns out the lobby was one flight up which they didn’t tell me so I was standing there waiting and waiting and waiting. Finally she called again and realized he was in the real lobby not the ground floor. So I went up and was looking around the lobby to find someone who looked like the picture he sent. Finally this short guy with white hair comes over and says Teri. I said yes and almost fainted because he looked 20 years older than the photo he claimed was him. We sat on the sofa and I found myself moving away from him because I didn’t want anyone to think I was with this short old man. We left got a cab and he started to complain to the cabbie about a previous passenger who smoked. Then he asked the cabbie if he let people smoke in his cab. The cross-town traffic was awful but we finally got to the Water Club which was lovely. It sits right on the east river and as it gets dark you can see all the lights of the city. He ordered a cocktail, I had a glass of chardonnay, we ordered appetizers, he ordered lobster & I had filet mignon. He had sautéed broccoli & I had sautéed asparagus. The meal was good and we engaged in some conversation. For my part I was being polite and he told me why he's unhappy in his marriage. I found him to be a bit inflexible, he likes things his way and doesn’t seem to compromise much; completely different than the way he came off in his emails, another deception. The waiter was nice and when he initially took our orders he was talkative and pretty friendly towards him. I knew I was full from dinner but really wanted to sample the desserts, so he ordered coffee and I ordered a coke and apple tart with caramelized sauce and ice cream. I am lactose intolerant so I don’t digest dairy products. We continued talking and he was very complimentary, telling me I had great legs, fantastic figure, dancing eyes, etc. then out of the blue I felt a pang & told him I needed to find the ladies room. He asked the waiter where it was and we both left the table.

When I got to the bathroom I found myself sick, which continued for some time. He stuck his head in the ladies room and called my name because he didn’t know if I was still in there. I finally came out and told him that I forgot my lactaid pills and felt sick. We returned to our table & I felt sick again so we went back upstairs. I was in the bathroom for some time again & when I came out he asked if I wanted to go to the crow's nest which is the outdoor deck overlooking the city. We went up there and I was feeling a bit better. The waiter came with the bill and said we hadn’t paid yet & they didn’t know what happened to us since we just disappeared. My dinner companion flew into a rage and started to berate the waiter and told him he was insulting him by calling him a crook. He told the waiter I was sick & he should've asked if anything was wrong. I was embarrassed, humiliated and started to feel sick again. He gave the guy his amex card and I went back to the bathroom but I think it was my dinner companion making me sick.

When I came out, the maitre'd was coming up the steps asking if there was a problem. Mr. Charm told him that the waiter was rude, insulting, etc. The maitre'd said he would reprimand him, which I thought was wrong since he hadn’t done anything wrong. The service was fine it’s just the weird situation that happened after I got sick. He told the maitre'd not to reprimand the waiter because he'd take care of it. A while later a different waiter came upstairs with the Amex card and receipt, asking if he wanted to add a gratuity and he said no. I thought maybe my illness was affecting my hearing. The waiter asked again and again he said NO! I felt about 2 feet tall & said I felt well enough to go home. I said that I needed to take a cab and he offered to pay for it. I just wanted to get away from this whole unpleasant scene. He got a cab, kissed me on the cheek and sent me home. As I got into the cab, I was never sooooo happy to get the hell out of a place. The next morning I emailed the restaurant and asked them not to take any actions against the waiter because he didn’t do anything wrong and it was a misunderstanding, miscommunication and overreaction. It was the least I could do. I think I’ll be ready to show my face there in another 10 years or so.

Alcohol Not Allowed

Having learned my lesson about red wine in the most humiliating way imaginable, I have since stuck to drinking white wines, which so far have been kinder and gentler to me. I also admit that this is a much bigger deal than it might seem on the surface because in dating/social situations I have been adept at making the same mistakes over & over & over! Speaking of mistakes, a couple of months ago, I accepted a dinner date from a doctor who was visiting a friend here in NYC. I picked a restaurant on the Upper West Side and it’s easy to get reservations in August because the “beautiful” people go out to the Hamptons on the weekend. I met him at the bar and I am fully aware of my limitations with alcohol. I prefer to drink one or two glasses with dinner but he insisted that we have a glass of wine while talking. Reluctantly I gave in and had a glass of chardonnay. After some feeble attempts to get him to move to a table, he finally agreed and we had a nice table in the corner. The restaurant was uncharacteristically uncrowded on a Friday night and that was good since it was a small place and the tables were rather close together. I am a stickler for privacy and I don’t like to be crammed together in small spaces.

We talked about our respective careers, he was working on some medical research and I was on the never ending search for the “perfect” job, which like the “perfect” man doesn’t exist, but hope springs eternal. Most of the wait staff was made up of college students and he was intrigued to hear the life stories of ALL the kids serving us that night. When the waitress/actress asked if we wanted another glass of wine, I hesitated and said I always wanted to try a Cosmopolitan. It just seemed like the right time and place to play dress up so that’s what I ordered. Dinner was good but I really enjoyed the refreshing fruity taste of the Cosmo and ordered a second one……see same mistakes over & over. We continued speaking and I passed on dessert trying to avoid the lactose intolerant moment I had experienced recently. The restaurant’s small group of patrons started to empty out as the evening wore on and soon we were the only ones sitting there. This was fine because I was feeling pretty good, the evening didn’t seem like a total waste and it was nice to go out on a lovely summer night.

I excused myself to go to the ladies room when I found that familiar feeling of nausea rushing over me. Oh oh, I was sick for what felt like an eternity but in reality was about 10-15 minutes. I returned to the table and neglected to tell my date about the situation. Just when I felt it was under control, I had to excuse myself again. This time I don’t know how long it lasted. I do know that I had just enough energy to text message an S.O.S. to a friend informing him that I was sick on the upper west side of Manhattan. When I left the ladies room, my date had followed me downstairs and was waiting in a nearby chair. I sat next to him and laid my head on his shoulder to prop myself up. We were sitting there for a while when I felt his hand wandering. I thought, “He must be kidding.” When I had gathered enough strength, we made our way upstairs, paid the bill and walked down Broadway. I was feeling might woozy and we found some benches to sit down.

The fact that I was visibly sick and felt the need to vomit again didn’t seem to put a damper on the date for him. I informed him that I was going to be sick and since we couldn’t return to the restaurant, he directed me to the grating over the subway. I lost my wonderful dinner and Cosmos in this revolting act. Just as I thought this couldn’t get worse, he leans over me and says, “I wonder how much hotels in this area go for.” Hotels??? In the midst of my retching, he was thinking about a place to go to get his groove on. What kind of a pervert is turned on by the expulsion of the entire contents of his date’s stomach? Frankly I don’t know and I don’t care, because as soon as I was sure I could get into a cab without having another publicly embarrassing situation, I got out of there. As I settled into the back of the cab before falling asleep, all that crossed my mind was “ADD,” Another Dating Disaster!

To Pay or Not To Pay

This one may be controversial but I’d love your feedback anyway…..

No wonder people think dating in New York is so complicated and tiresome. It seems to me that women expect men to pay for them and men expect to pay. Why is this?

If you expect someone else to pay for you, isn’t it just saying ‘I’m not clever enough to earn my own money’?

If the man is doing the paying, does it not bring back the argument that men then have to earn more if they are to pay for women too? In which case women cannot demand or expect equal pay.

How far back are women going to go? Do we want to vote? Do we want to work? Do we want to be able to ask for our own drink at the bar? Do we want to be able to wear trousers?

Yes really! I remember going to a bar for lunch with my male boss when working in Fleet Street, London in the late 1980’s. Luckily I was wearing a skirt suit, as is my personal preference, as not only did they not serve women at the bar, they didn’t like women wearing trousers! I never went back but I’m guessing that they soon moved into the 20th Century as had most places in the UK by then.

So in 2009 New York, what do women do with their own money if they’re not paying for themselves? I think spending it on the wrong things (excessive plastic surgery and ‘medical’ spa visits spring to mind).

Don’t get me wrong, I believe chivalry is all well and good. Politeness costs nothing and should be expected from everyone, both sexes. Offering to pay is chivalrous, again from both parties, but being expected to pay is a different issue.

There’s the argument that whoever asks for the date should pay. This should work as after the first or second date, surely both parties will be making suggestions as to where to go so all will be square.

I believe some women disguise the desire for men to pay for them by declaring, perhaps sub-consciously, that they are old fashioned, or traditional. Do they really they just want to give up work? I’m surprised they have time for work anyway if they are too busy serial dating in desperation looking for ‘the one’!

If they are that old fashioned, are they going to do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping and looking after the house? I think not.

I heard the most ridiculous argument the other day; women expect the men to pay because they spend the most money on grooming themselves for dates, to look good for men.
That is stretching the imagination to the extreme.

I do like to make an effort not just for men but because I like to look my best. Last time I looked, there were plenty of choices on where to buy clothes and makeup and spas etc are optional. Women looked good before L’Oreal’s, ‘Because I’m worth it’ slogan came along and I believe there was a much higher ratio of successful marriages in decades gone buy. Yes we are worth it. So do we really want to share our lives with a man who is so shallow that looks are so high on the agenda?

The one issue that throws the argument out is if one person earns/has considerably more than the other. They are going to have a higher living standard and not going to lower it so are more likely to treat their date to places they are happy to go to themselves.

Doesn’t have to always be that way though.

Short Cuts

There was a time when I could remember even the most insignificant details of all my dates from hell, but as I’ve gotten older the memories are beginning to fade. I don’t know if it’s a sign of some ailment to come further down the road or if it’s just the mind’s way of sparing me all the horrible flashbacks, enabling me to take the plunge once again.

There was the guy who showed up and we went to a restaurant on the upper west side. The conversation started off uneventfully and then suddenly he threw me a curve. He had shown up with his own self designed sex quiz. Yes how many partners, what positions do you like, etc. Ok no. This will not work.

The next guy picked me up for an early lunch in Manhattan. The conversation across the bridge was rather depressing when he recalled all the women who had done him wrong. It may be true but who wants to hear about it on a first date. Besides I could draw the conclusion that it was his morose personality that torpedoed any potential relationships. No matter how I may feel about a “date” I believe in giving it the old college try so I soldiered on. We decided to eat at Houlihan’s right next to the Empire State Building. The place was filled with tourists and the noise level was unbearable. Nevertheless it was a date and deserved my full attention. The conversation was ok and I ordered my prerequisite cheeseburger and fries. Dating has not only been bad for my psyche and mental state, but it has sent my cholesterol level into the stratosphere, but I digress. He had ordered buffalo wings and blue cheese. One moment we were talking and the next I looked up to see his face slathered in blue cheese. I couldn’t believe that anyone past the age of 2 could make such a mess of themselves. I became queasy just by looking at him and quickly scanned the room to see if there was anyone that I might know. He looked up and instead of being acutely aware that something was amiss, he smiled a big Cheshire cat grin, as if being a total slob was a turn on. I couldn’t even bear to take another bite of my cheeseburger. Sheepishly I mentioned that there was some blue cheese on his face. He seemed to be completely unaware that it was all over his face, his hands, just everywhere! It was gross in every sense of the word. He used his napkin, my napkin, his handiwipe, my handiwipe and the 3 additional handiwipes the waitress brought him, all to no avail. So he finally excused himself to the men’s room to clean up. As soon as he was out of sight, I whipped out my phone and called my friend to rescue me. He was less than enthusiastic since I was interrupting a Jets playoff game. We all have our priorities, so I concluded that I needed to end this date as quickly as possible. When he returned to the table I said that I was finished and was ready to leave. We began walking across 34^th Street and he attempted to hold my hand. I was physically repulsed considering that hand had been covered in blue cheese a few minutes earlier. I didn’t want to touch him or spend one more minute with him. Finally he became observant that something was bothering me and asked why my attitude had changed. I attempted to play it off as if I had no idea what he was talking about, but he persisted. He kept pushing and pushing and finally I couldn’t think of a graceful exit so I blurted out, “The way you eat is disgusting. I couldn’t stand looking at you with blue cheese smeared all over your hands and face it grossed me out!” There I said it and it wasn’t pretty. He stared at me with a blood curdling stare and paused before saying, “I’ll take you home.” I was forever grateful.